Thoughts on Manifest

Manifest, available on Netflix.

I hate the whole “let’s grieve together” thing.. If I die, please, my dear friends, do not hook up with my ex, ok? I want you to be happy when I’m gone, sure, but do not steal my old life because it’s just creepy and it is certainly not what I want! You will not have my blessing, let’s be clear about it. So if you wanna do it, do it for yourself and keep me out of it. Earn your mess, you know? And be sure I’ll be mad about it the same way I would be if I were still alive, so if you still wanna do it, fine, do it, but own your shit. Don’t you dare try to pretend it’s okay because it isn’t and it never will be.

Really, I don’t know how Michaela didn’t tell Lourdes to go to hell. Honestly! The girl married her fiancée and had the nerve to come back to question the fact that they were still in love? She was the rebound girl, she knew it from the start and she married him anyway. And now she’s mad? Sorry, she doesn’t get to be mad about it.. She could have anyone and instead she chose her best friend’s fiancée? So no, I don’t feel for her at all. Maybe next time she should just keep her legs closed and be responsible for her own actions.

And what about Jared? I have no words for him whatsoever. He chose to marry the rebound girl, so why is he upset? It was his fucking choice! If he was still in love with his ex, he shouldn’t have married her best friend, that’s just so messy. Ok, I get it, he thought she was dead and all, but still! There are zillion people in the world, he didn’t have to be with his fiancée’s best friend. Come on! How lazy is he?

And then Michaela comes back and he has the audacity to try to win her back before ending things with his wife – her best friend! Why does he even felt like it was okay to do it? Come on! Men are so predictable, honestly. Of course he wouldn’t leave the rebound to be alone. He doesn’t wanna take any chances. He wants the certainty of Michaela’s acceptance and that’s what bothers me the most. It’s like he can’t take responsibility for his own actions – in this case, his failed marriage. No, he needs to put the responsibility on someone else. He would leave his wife to be with Michaela, but he would never leave his wife just because he wasn’t in love with her anymore, you know? He’s obviously not interested in making any decisions, he put that on Michaela’s account so Lourdes can be mad at her, not at him.

And that’s so very much stupid for my taste, you know? Selfish, stupid, lazy and weak. And I’m not surprised at all because it’s so fucking predictable. I guess it’s clear I despise both of them, right? Also, I think Michaela was lucky she was on that plane so she had the chance to see who those people really were. Selfish bastards – yeah, I’m rolling my eyes at them right now..

The ungrateful bitch

How come everything is my fucking fault? Really, my life is a mess and I still have to deal with everybody else blaming me. Today my mom said I was the cause of her horrible life and her lack of peace was on me. She also said she never thought she could have such an ungrateful child. Yeah, my friend, that’s me: I am the fucking ungrateful child. After all I’ve been doing, I’m fucking ungrateful. Just because I wanna do things my own way; just because I’m done being nice while everyone else continues to put me down; just because I decided to start standing up for myself; just because I had the audacity to be honest about my life.

The truth is I can’t handle any more mixed signals. I need to be honest about who I am and what I want in order to get my shit together. And I need to know if I can or cannot count on their help. They don’t have to do anything and I don’t expect them to help me, but I need to know where I truly stand to make better decisions. It’s not fair for them to give me something and then blaming me for accepting it. I didn’t ask for any of it, but I’m not exactly in a place where I can refuse any kind of help, you know? If only I knew where I truly stand, I could deal with the reality straightforwardly. I’ll do what I have to do, I’m a hardworking person. I just need to know which tools are available for me to use so I can make the best of it because time is not exactly on my side right now.

The irony is that it does even matter how many contradicting signals they’re giving me, I’m still the crazy one for feeling lonely and unsupported. In their opinion, I gotta believe I have their full support – just because they say so. It doesn’t matter if they’re constantly blaming me for everything; or if they’re questioning every single thing I do; or if they don’t believe I can do it and never even bother to keep it to themselves; or if they resent me for needing their financial support; and it sure as hell doesn’t matter if their actions never match their words.. No, none of these things matter. It has to be my fault. I must be the one who’s creating conspiracy theories in order to feel better about my unreachable goals – yeah, this again, I’ll never get over this madness.

And you know what? Maybe I do live in Bobby’s world after all. I mean, I’ve always felt things exactly the way they were and yet I decided to trust their words instead. I kept feeling I wasn’t welcome, like I was an intruder, a burden to their lives. And I still chose to pretend it wasn’t true because they said so and, come on, my family is amazing, how could they lie to me, right? Of course they would never mess with my head by sending mixed signals. Of course the only possible explanation is that I’m losing my damn mind. It’s not their fault my dreams are a little too high for someone who was never that smart.

I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore considering that that ship has sailed. Today I got the confirmation my mind was waiting for when my mom decided it was finally time to share her true thoughts and beliefs. The worse part is that, even though I wasn’t surprised at all, it still felt like a bullet went through my stomach. I guess some part of me was in denial, refusing to believe my mom would really resent me that much for paying for my health insurance and for letting me stay at her house until I get my shit together.. And because nobody ever had the courage to say those things so directly to me before, I was able to keep hoping I was imagining things, hoping I was in fact losing my mind, hoping it was true when they said they got my back no matter what.

But again, that’s not the case anymore; and denial is no longer an option now. I guess I should be happy about it, grateful, even, because now I have the opportunity to take a step back and adjust my plan knowing exactly how things truly are; knowing I’m finally getting kicked out of Bobby’s world; knowing I’m alone and “homeless”; knowing I’m the only one cheering up for myself.

And it’s totally fine because now I know and that’s all I could ever want. Knowledge is power. And it always will be. And I’ll always be grateful for it.

I guess the ungrateful bitch isn’t that ungrateful after all, is she?

🙂

The things I wish I could say

I don’t get it. I really don’t get what’s going on on their minds that justifies their actions. I’m sorry, but love is just not a good enough reason – at least not anymore. Why do I have to feel guilty for standing up for myself? She does it all the time and no one says anything, but with me.. And it’s not like her life is perfect or anything because it sure as hell isn’t. She’s ruining her life and no one says a fucking thing about it. Nobody feels the urge to “help” her with all the unsolicited thoughts and opinions. Because she’s a grown up, right? She can make her own choices and mistakes. But guess what, so am I. So I should be allowed to make my own choices without feeling so guilty about it because my choices don’t affect them the same way hers do. And yet, I’m the one being judged all the time. I’m the horrible person who has all these horrible feelings towards the perfect family. It’s my fault because I’m the one nobody understands when – to be honest – I guess they simply don’t care enough to try. However, it shouldn’t be my fault, you know? Every time I start telling how I feel, there’s always the “I don’t get you; this doesn’t make any sense; this conversation is over”.

So why does it always have to be my fault? Why do I keep being blamed for everything? All I’ve been doing these past years is think about everyone else’s feelings and I’m tired of it. I’m so fucking tired of doing so because it feels like I’m the only one doing it. And yeah, I’m mad. And unfortunately there’s no going back once you realize the reciprocity doesn’t exist. Once you see it, it’s almost impossible to keep pretending you are delusional. Conspiracy theories, right? No wonder I’m so mad.

And yet, I’m the crazy one. She said with all the fucking words that she doesn’t believe I can do it. That she thinks I’ll never be successful on my own, and that the best I can do is accept it and move on. Get married or whatever, you know? Have some drinks, travel a little bit and all my misery would be easily managed. Because it’s the only way I would ever be financial supported, after all, I’m not intelligent enough to do it for myself. I need someone else. And because I don’t agree, because I think I deserve more, because I believe I’m intelligent enough, because I have the audacity to believe I can be happy by my own, I’m the one to be blamed. I’m the one creating conspiracy theories about their love and support. Because even though every one makes it crystal clear what their opinions are, it’s a freaking conspiracy theory to believe that what they’re saying is true. It’s a freaking conspiracy theory to feel I’m all alone on my path and that I’m the only one cheering up for myself. Because they said they support me, it should be enough, I should believe it. Even thought their actions don’t stand for it – actually these past few weeks, not even the words are standing for it anymore.

So yeah, I’m very much mad about it. Because I realize now questioning my choices isn’t enough, they need to question my sanity as well. My mental state has to be questioned too. Once again, I’m the one being discredited simply because I refuse to conform. So please, tell me again. How’s this fair to me? Why is it so hard to understand my reasons to be sad? And you know the funny part? I’m not really mad about the lack of support because – deep down – I already knew that so it’s not really a surprise or anything. I’m mad because they’re making me feel like I’m delusional. They keep doubting my mental state. They keep doubting my strength to get pass it. And I keep pretending they’re not the ones making me feel so bad about myself, I keep pretending they have nothing to do with it because I don’t wanna hurt their feeling more than they’re already hurt; because I know they love me so much and all they wish for is my happiness. So I keep pretending they’re not the reason I’m so depressed. And I keep embracing the guilt all by myself. Because yeah, I can’t help but feel an awful guilt every time I stand up for myself. They’ve been through so much already, why would I make it even worse?

However, once again, who’s thinking about me? Who’s worried about my feelings for a change? Who’s trying to make my life easier? Who’s trying to support me? Who believes in me? And most important, who’s owning the responsibility of the choices that are being made? I have to do it all the time. I have to think about everyone else’s feelings while my life is falling apart. I have to make their lives easier even if it makes mine harder because I’m grateful for having them and I feel like that’s what grateful people do. I have to give it back. But how’s this fair to me? I keep putting my life on hold to take care of everyone else’s feelings and needs because they’ve been through so much and they don’t deserve it. And I know nobody asked for it so that was my mistake. I own up to it. The thing is I’m tired now but somehow they got used to it. They got used to saying all that’s on their minds regardless of how I might feel. And they got used to me letting them do it. I did it my entire life even though they never asked for it, and that’s why I know it’s my own fault. I know that, and I’m trying to make things different now, I’m trying to put all my pieces together. But I can’t stop wondering.. Why do I have to be the only one doing it? Who else is doing it?

I already judge myself harder than anyone can ever imagine, I already know how much I failed. I already had to embrace the pain and make amends with everything it cost me. I already have to sacrifice my present so I can have a better future. And I’ll keep doing it until I get what I want therefore I’m not complaining, after all, it’s my choice. It’s what I feel in my heart it’s the right thing to do, the smart choice for me – the one that allows me to breathe. I’m the one whose life sucks right now and yet I feel so much peaceful about it because I know it’s all for a better tomorrow. I accepted my shitty reality and I’m happy with all the sacrifices that needed to be done because it makes sense to me; it’s for a greater good and knowing that brings me peace to keep going forward.

So I’m okay with my life and all the difficulties that comes with it. I have a goal; I have faith in a better tomorrow; and I’m capable enough to do all the work that needs to be done. I’m so up for it, I’m excited for it because it makes sense, it’s logical. What I don’t know is if I’ll ever be okay with the whole “conspiracy theory” thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get passed this. It hurts like hell to be discredited like that from someone you love so much. “But it’s in the name of love”. I’m sorry, it’s not good enough. In fact, I think it’s just cruel to discredit someone’s feelings like that – especially when you don’t give any good enough reason to prove those feelings wrong. And even though I only repeated the words that were said to me, I still got discredited for because it cannot be the truth. Because she wouldn’t do it to me, she wouldn’t say it, so the only other option is that I have to be creating conspiracy theories to make me feel better about the wrong choices I’ve made. Because “she loves you so much“; “she’s just worried about you“; “you’re like a daughter to her” or any other nonsenses they feel it might justify the questionable behavior.

So yeah, not only I have to feel completely alone and cheer for myself, I also have to feel guilty about it. Because who would understand all the horrible feelings I’m feeling towards such a wonderful and supportive family? I have to be crazy to feel this way. I have to be creating everything in my mind because I’m too depressed to take responsibility for my own shit. I have to be too depressed to deal with the sacrifices my choices brought so I need to blame someone else in order to feel better about my own incapabilities and keep going. Because – for them – the truth is I’ll never be capable enough to get accepted at college even if I currently have a scholarship given by the best school to do so. Even if people there believe me enough to “pay” for my studies. Even if my teachers think I’m capable. No, for my family, I’m just not intelligent or hardworking enough. I was always the pretty and skinny one so it’s insane to think I might be intelligent as well – especially when the intelligent one wasn’t capable of doing it herself. Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe she was – and is – capable of getting accepted anywhere she desires but I think she just didn’t care enough to keep trying at that time because it takes a lot of sacrifices and hard work. She wasn’t up for it then; she’s not up for it now, and it’s totally fine. No one’s judging the choice she made with the reality she had. It’s totally fine. She has the right to live her life the way she wants to. It’s the beauty of life, you know? You can choose which sacrifices and joys are worth your while because you’ll have to deal with all the good and bad that comes with it.

But you know what you cannot do? You cannot live your life the way you want and then criticize someone for doing the exact same thing. It’s hypocritical, unfair and it doesn’t concern you at all – especially when you don’t get affected by those choices. It doesn’t matter how sad you feel or how worried you get when it’s not about you. Don’t you dare think you’re so perfect that you are enable to make mistakes. Every single one of us felt – and feel – those exact same things when we believe you’re not making smart decisions, but we respect you enough to be quiet about it and let you deal with it the way it suits you best – while keeping ourselves close in case you need. We trust you. I trust you. So why can’t you do the same for me? Why can’t you give some credit?

I’m not asking you to be supportive. I know that’s too much to ask of you, so what I’m asking for is your respect. Please, respect my choices and trust that I know what I’m doing. I wish you could be there for me, dream with me and hope for a better future with me. However, if you cannot do it, I would rather have your honesty. Stop pretending you support me while you keep trying to cut off my wings. It’s not fair. It doesn’t help me. Stop trying to undermine my feelings and my mental state. I’m not delusional and I know you know it. I also know you know I’m not creating conspiracy theories in my head. Sometimes I think that what makes you so mad about it is that I have the guts to say what’s on your mind while you can’t. You think I’m so fragile, but it must suck to realize that the person you’re trying so hard to protect with your lies knows exactly what the truth is and have the courage to be straightforward about it when you can’t, even though you were always the logical one, the practical one. It must suck to live in Bobby’s world being that person. So it makes sense you accuse me of doing so because then you wouldn’t be living there alone. It might also suck to lose all your hopes and dreams and see someone whose life’s much harder than yours so attached to hers. I really think it might suck. But I also think that’s your problem, not mine. Criticize me for the things you don’t feel courageous enough to do is not fair. It’s not fair to kill my hopes and dreams just because yours are dead. If your life didn’t go the way you hope it would, you should try to recalculate your route, not shove your failures and disbelieves under my throat. Don’t kill my vibe, don’t be my biggest hater and say it’s all because of love. You see, you’ve always been a very transparent person so I can see you rolling your eyes at me every time I start sharing my goals – which is why we are not as close as we used to be, if you ever wondered. I can’t be around someone who’s always treating me like I’m incapable of managing my own life. Like my goals are unrealistic. Like I’m not capable or intelligent or hardworking enough. Like I’m a dreamer and therefore I must be stupid and dumb. I’m not a spoiled brat, you know.. It might be a shock, but I’m very much aware of my reality, but I refuse to give up because I’m not a quitter. I never was and I’ll never will be.

So yeah, I guess you’re right. I do have a lot of anger inside me. But is it so out of place that I do? You can all yell as you wish because I’m always there to put the pieces you broke together with love and kindness. It’s always been like that because, well, I’m not only the pretty and skinny of the family, I’m also the tender one, the worried one, the one whose feelings are never above yours or anyone else’s for that matter. So yeah, you were always free to treat everyone the way you felt like it the same way I was always there trying to make it better. So is it really a conspiracy theory that I created so I could cope with my own insecurities? I guess I’m far from that person, you know. In fact, that is – as far as I can remember – my biggest problem: feeling too much, and because of that I had to learn how to deal with all the overwhelming emotions very early in life. So no, sweetie, I don’t need to try to hide from anything because they’ve always found me no matter what, so I eventually just stopped trying and started embracing all of it.

But I think that might be you who’s trying to hide from your feelings. And if you don’t mind me saying it, the longer you try to hide it, the more overwhelming it will be when it all comes out. And it always comes out, always – that I can guarantee.

Minding my own business

I have no idea why, but living life the honest way is so freaking hard. A real challenge, you know, and that is annoying. Well, at least it is to me because I’m constantly feeling like the weirdo who’s living inside this fantasy world which is funny because it looks like I’m the only one trying to be honest about my life. So why do I have to feel so bad about it? Why being honest has to be so challenging? Isn’t it supposed to be the rule? Why does it have to be the exception? Why honesty has to be so insulting?

Last week, I had to sit down and listen to all kinds of crap just because I want to live my life in a way that matters to me. I guess.. It’s my life, shouldn’t it be my choices? And the worst part was that I had to listen to those things from someone I’m sure is unhappy. She lives her life the way she chooses and it’s fine by me, but the same way she’s not on board with my choices, I’m not on board with hers. The difference is that I’m quiet about it because it is not my fucking business – it’s her life – and I believe she has to be the one making her own rules. However it doesn’t mean it’s easy for me either. I try to be here for her every time she needs and that’s all I can do because for me that’s being supportive. The same way I’m sure she’s unhappy, I’m also sure she knows it so shove my truth on her face will only help my conscience and again it’s not about me – even if it doesn’t go both ways.

I guess that’s how I feel. Once again I feel I have to be comprehensive and supportive with the ones I love even though no one does it me and it hurts so much – it’s unfair to me, isn’t it? And yet I try not to bother anyone with it because telling someone would only help myself, not others and they have their own shit to deal with. And again I feel like an idiot for thinking about everyone else’s feelings instead of just my own. Maybe that’s how I got here in the first place. Maybe that’s what “minding my own business” is all about. Maybe I should make people respect my choices instead of trying to make them feel happy for me. Maybe I should just make them shut up about it because it doesn’t matter what I do, no one will ever feel happy for me unless I follow their own notion of happiness which is completely different from mine. For my family, money is happiness and they live by it. It’s their lives. It’s only fair they’re the ones making the calls. But once again, what about me?

In the end, it always comes back to this. Why do they think they’re being supportive if they keep questioning all my decisions?

I’ve never though this way but is it possible that the whole problem is the different meaning of things? Like a dictionary problem maybe? Well, happiness means something else entirely for us so why not support? Maybe it their minds that’s what being supportive means. Maybe it’s all about money. They believe they’re being supportive because they’re paying for it. So if they stop giving me money they should stop being so judgemental, right? – or at least be quiet about it, that would be even better.

But then.. Okay, it justifies my parents behavior, how about my siblings? What are their excuses? They’re not really paying for my choices, are they? Is love an excuse for being so mean? I try so hard to understand that it’s all in the name of love, but once again, how is this fair to me? Why should I keep understanding them when no one is trying to understand me? Why is it my job to be so protective of their feelings when it’s clearly an one way street? I’m the youngest, come on! Just because they’re older does it mean they should be excused for the shitty behavior? Because they love me? And who’s taking care of my feelings?

I know it would be a shitty move but sometimes I just want to say all the things I’m always keeping to myself. Just say it all, you know? Regardless of the destruction the words might cause. Just say it all. And then I will justify myself saying it’s all for love. It’s because I love them so much that I can’t let them live their lives without showing them how miserable I believe they are. It’s all because I care too much. I wonder if I would be excused for that..

Actually, you know what? They already think so little of me that maybe I should just do it and see how it goes. Let them be the only ones taking care of their own feelings for a change. I’m the youngest, for god sake. I can be irresponsible and selfish. Isn’t it what being a child means? So why not be a freaking child for a change? They already think I am so what would I have to lose? Their respect? I already don’t have it. They already think of me as this child who lives in a magical world. A Bobby’s world, that’s exactly the words she used so, yeah, I think I’m gonna be a dick for now.. Let them be responsible for their own feelings. And I’ll start now. I’ll be my own person. I’ll take care of me. I’m all alone so I need to pursuit my dreams and live my life the way I want to even it kills me. And the first thing I’ll do is start to defend myself. Getting some distance from the ones who put me down. And if they come to me, they’ll get what they deserve because now I’m gonna mind my own fucking business and they sure as hell will start minding theirs.

It’s like that popular saying: if you say what you want, you should be prepared to hear what you don’t.

The turning point

About 3 years ago, I decided to start over. Like completely fresh. I’ve done a lot of that since – well, since forever – but this time it felt different. I was really confident that I was doing the right thing, after all, I was going towards a lifetime goal, my childish dream and, because of that, I made some promises to myself to make sure anyone nothing would get in my way of doing those things. For once, my opinion would be my only guide. My life, my plans, my choices, right? I’m the person who gets most affected by all so I might as well just make myself the only one to blame if things goes south – which, by the way, it’s been the only way everything’s going so far.

Anyway, I decided I wouldn’t get romantically involved. I know I always get too attached – and a little obsessed with new things – so a break should be the way to go and get the focus I intended. So, it’s been like that for 2 years which’s quite a change since I’ve been jumping from one relationship to another since I can remember. I won’t lie, the beginning was tough, it felt very lonely, but then I started feeling a freedom I’ve never felt. I could just stay home, eat junky food and be a mess for all I care. I didn’t need to get all dressed up and be friendly. I didn’t have to be nice and give away anything just because that’s what you should do ir order to keep others happy. Don’t get me wrong, I usually don’t mind, but sometimes it just gets really overwhelming because being someone for me and for everybody else is not a thing you can easily accomplish. You need to make choices almost always and those aren’t exactly my best feature. Neither is time management, which’s also required.

You might say I was living the dream, right? The problem is I wasn’t used to putting myself first. Ever. I had trouble keeping up with my schedules and it all got very messy. When I was doing it for others, it was natural. I’ve always been a person you could count on and I would rather be miserable than let my people down. To be honest, it wasn’t really a big deal for me since I already felt like a loser – which made me feel shitty all the time – so why not make a difference in my loved ones’ lives? I could at least make myself useful and feel a little bit better on the way, right?

Wrong. So fucking wrong. It’s nearly impossible to make everyone else happy when you aren’t at your best. It’s not like you envy them or anything, actually, you can really feel happy for others’ accomplishments – at least I always did – but the constant feel of disposable affects your relationships because of the big elephant in the room – the insecureness – just waiting around the corner to crush your hopes and dreams, second-guessing every single thing that happens until you finally get the answer you’ve been looking for all along: you’re not enough.

Anyway, that being said, I decided I had to make something for myself. I had to become someone I’m proud of. I needed to be my own person for a change. And for that, I had to take a few steps back and rethink all my choices so far to understand what needed to be changed for me to get where I wanted. Hell, if I didn’t even know what I wanted, how was I supposed to know how to get there, right? It’s hard to acknowledge your life is a mess and it’s even harder when you have no idea which way to go. It’s like you’re at this shitty place trying to get the fuck out, but you have nowhere to go, so the more you move, the lower it gets. And it really sucks.

Eventually, I realize what I was searching for. The answers were inside me all along, but I was so blindsided by everything else that I had not been able to visualize. For a very long time, I thought I was the person my family believed I was. I kept looking for the things they valued because I truly thought it was what I wanted too. But the more I went through it, the more I felt the frustration and emptiness that came along with it. The winnings weren’t joyful, quite the opposite actually. And then it hits me. After all those years of therapy, I finally understood why I kept feeling so out of place. It’s kinda funny because the reason I felt so disconnected was that simple – I was literally out of my own place, the place I was supposed to be, the place that makes sense for me. If you think about it, of course the winnings weren’t joyful, I wasn’t really winning, was I?

I know I should feel good I know better now. I feel I can finally see what’s in front of me and for sure this kind of knowledge will eventually come in handy, but I never truly thought the execution would require that much strength. Even though I’m aware of my reality and the challenges that comes with it, some days it takes an immensely amount of breathing just to get through it and it’s exhausting. And it’s even more demanding when you decide to go against everybody else because then you have to keep pulling yourself together so you don’t have to hear the ‘I told you so’s and feel even more shitty about it.

Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I regret my current choice, that’s not it. I know I’m making the right one, at least right now. I’m just acknowledging how difficult it is. Putting yourself out there for failure after failure when you’ve been feeling like a loser for way too many years is not exactly a piece of cake. I know I should be grateful for all that brought me here and whatever, but if I’m being honest, there are days that all I could wish for is a do over, and hell, I’d make things a whole lot different because it sucks to have a turning point like this when you’re not that young anymore. But then again, if the information that got me here weren’t available by that moment, how could I’ve known better? I guess I just have to suck it up and do my best at this shitty situation. After all, unless time traveling becomes a thing, there’s not much to be done – one can only hope though.

And hopefully, pretty soon I’ll be rising up like a freaking phoenix..

The things therapy taught me

I used to believe I was a very insecure person. I wasn’t entirely wrong but I might have underestimated the self esteem whole thing. It’s not just my problem, it’s our problem. The question I have to ask is why do we bother so much about other people’s opinion? Is it our reputation that we are worried about or are we afraid the other person knows more about ourselves than us? Can someone else define our own value besides us? But if our self esteem is related to others’ opinions, wouldn’t it be more accurate to say ‘their esteem’ instead?

The way I see it, since we were little children our parents have been teaching us to please, be kind and polite. Because we want to be worthy of their love and make them proud, we do it without a blink. The problem is we are somehow mislead to believe love is conditioned to those things and that it depends on how nice we are, how obedient we are, how polite we are. But it’s just not true. In fact, when that’s the case, it’s not even love at all. For me, love is more related to our flaws than anything else. It’s about knowing and accepting someone for its true self. It’s what makes it beautiful, special and so meaningful. 

After many years of therapy, I finally realized we are all flawed. It’s the reality and there’s no exception. However it is important to say we are not only flaws. Our personality is made of countless characteristics, some are good, others not so much and that’s more than ok. There is no person in the whole universe that is perfect, therefore, pursue it won’t bring us happiness. We should accept our imperfections and understand that they are a part of our personality, and that part makes us unique. The problem is we don’t, and it causes a lot of suffering. We try so hard to be perfect but it’s just impossible. Then, we are left with an endless failure and disappointment. 

I learned people don’t change the essence of their personality. They can only evolve and that’s a good thing. But to do that, we have to know who we are and embrace it. Only then we will always have the opportunity to be better. Unfortunately I noticed there is a large number of people who have no clue about themselves. They are relentlessly trying to hide the parts they are ashamed of and trying to fit into boxes where is no space. They are constantly forced to be someone else and that’s just not going to last. I already try that and let me break it to you. The pretending is really exhausting. All the energy we have just vanishes in the process and we become empty on the inside. Our light fades away and we are left in the dark with a huge nothing. It makes us question our own existence. And that is not fine, not fine at all. 

Today, I’m proud to say I know a lit bit about myself and I like it. Some days more, some days less, but I guess I can finally say I’m in peace with who I am. Actually, most days I even love my personality. Imagine that, right? It’s funny because I always thought I could never describe myself, especially the good parts, but as I’m writing this, I just realized it might not be undoable anymore.

To begin with, I truly believe anyone who has the chance to know me is quite lucky. I’m someone who is always trying to evolve which makes me grow constantly. I stopped trying to fit my immense personality into tiny little boxes. I’m loud and crazy. I’m also kind and responsible. I’m clever and honest – a little too honest sometimes – and it works for me. I can overthink and be impulsive at the same time. I believe in God but I don’t believe in churches. In my opinion, it should bring the best in people but it doesn’t and that’s why it makes no sense to me. I don’t accept something as the truth just because someone says so. I usually question things. I’m curious and I search for answers so I can understand what’s around me. I have a problem with the unknown and I believe that’s what makes me smarter. By the way, I prefer to be called bright than pretty. I use the word ‘cute’ as a compliment even though people usually think it is not. I don’t feel comfortable being overweight. Probably because I believe it could be controlled and I like to be in control of my life. I also like to earn what I get and I feel very guilty when I don’t. 

Another thing about me is that I try very hard not to judge. I know what is like to be judged and it hurts so much. Yet sometimes I do judge which means I failed. I don’t like to fail so obviously it makes me very sad. I can be a little too obsessed with lots of useless things. I collect things I don’t need. I have trouble keeping control of my own mind. I think too much, too fast, too messy and my words normally don’t follow up. For that reason, I avoid to talk about important stuff in person. I end up saying things I don’t mean to or not saying them at all. Unless you are a very patient listener, otherwise, I won’t make much sense and, at that moment, the conversation will be pointless and insufficient. I don’t do well with unfinished business, so there’s a good chance you’ll receive a long text message later with all I should’ve said. However, if I’m done with you, I’ll be tempted to disappear because I hate unnecessary conversations. I also type fast. Like really really fast. You won’t be able to keep up with me. At least, I’ve never met someone who could. For me, writing gives me peace, it’s like a big hug from my mind. It’s the way I found to organize my thoughts which is why I rather discuss problems by text messages. 

I love gossip. In fact, quitting it has been one of my New Year’s resolutions since I can remember but it’s just too much fun and entertaining, so I do it with a few really close friends and pretend it’s not happening. I still feel pretty bad and hypocrite but life goes on. Yes, I can be hypocritical. I don’t mean to, but sometimes I can’t help it. It also makes me feel horrible and inconsistent because I hate hypocritical people. I hate being on a diet. I do baby voices when I talk to my dog and I feel pathetic. I hate when someone tells me to keep it down. I’m loud. I do funny dances and I have a happy personality. I laugh like a crazy person and I don’t mind. If you do, that’s your problem. I say no if I have to, even if it makes me feel guilty, when I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m also someone you can count on. You can ask me to go to boring places and I will just to make it less boring for you. I love Cheetos and candy. I also like salad. I’m annoying. I like the things the way I left them. I’m in love with book stores and paper stuff. I have many unread books but somehow I still end up buying more. 

I try to look at the bright side of things. I try to be grateful. I believe in good and that’s probably why people cheat and lie to me very often. I can be very naive. However, I prefer to be disappointed than to disappoint. I believe hurt people hurt others so I make an effort to understand the reasons which led someone to do something like that. I want to justify the unpleasant behavior and prove myself that people are not deliberately mean, that way, I can forgive and move on. Only I’m drown to fix and help, therefore, moving on can be a lot challenging. Even so, I keep trying. I like shining objects. I get happy as a kid on Christmas’s Eve when someone gives me a gift, even if it’s a small piece of chocolate. I like to get a lot of attention from the ones I love. I forget stuff very often so I need to write things down to remember it later. I do that on classes too and I don’t mind sharing my notes if you ask me to. I love to drive fast cars. By the way, I just remember that the song ‘fast car’ from Snow Patrol makes me cry almost every time. I sing while I’m driving. I could dance too. I’m proud to make good deals so if I buy something on sale it’s very likely that I’ll tell everyone I can. I get embarrassed when people think too highly of themselves in front of me. Horror movies get me nightmares so I never watch them. My favorite pizza is pepperoni from Pizza Hut. When I was a kid, I ate it every day for about 3 months. I love skiing even though I only did it once. Snow also reminds me of Boston. Thinking about it, my hair looked great there. Hot weather makes me irritated and uncomfortable. I cry very easily. I wish I could be a practical person. I hate lying.

I laugh when I’m nervous and panic under pressure. I also have a hard time to express my feelings in portuguese. I don’t know why but saying things in English sounds less stupid. I can really put my heart out. I also talk to myself aloud. In English. Yes, I’m weird that way. Maybe that’s what made my English better. Not that is great, but I sure won’t have communication trouble if I decide to live abroad. I would love to live abroad again. I spent 6 months in Boston and it was the best 6 months ever. I’ve learned the best lesson I could which was to live my life regardless of people’s approval. Those I used to call my friends didn’t like me and said terrible things behind my back. I didn’t know right away so I felt betrayed when I did. I also felt ashamed to tell my family what was going on and after lots of crying days I decided I should just suck it up which was what I did. It was not easy but it sure as hell made me stronger. After a while, I made some new friends and everything got better. Those I could keep until today, in fact, they even came to visit me once. 

I don’t feel comfortable exposing my life on Instagram, it feels fake and empty to me. I also don’t want to prove my professional value there and hopefully I will never have to. I like to post random, cute and funny things. I like long conversations, especially with people who think different. I like to know other points of view. For me, that’s the only way to have a valid opinion about any topic. I’m also open minded and very available to be convinced otherwise. But you need to convince me using great logical and compelling arguments. That’s the only way. If you succeed, I will happily change my mind. Of course I’ll be even happier if I’m right, but I promise I’ll try very hard not to gloat. That’s another fact about me: I love to be right. 

I love fashion but I hate working with it. It makes me sick, actually. It messes with my head and I find the environment a little too toxic. I can’t handle it and I honestly don’t want to. My goal is to make a difference in the world. Be good. And I want to get paid for it. I’m a capitalism enthusiastic. I believe it’s the only way people can rise and be free. I recently discover myself as a liberal and I don’t believe the government should messes around anybody’s life. I’m the only person who knows what’s better for myself. For that reason, why should I let a corrupt person decides how I should do things and spend my money? There’s no such thing as collectivism. Usually the only ones who benefit from it are the politicians, which means they’ll spend more of my money to do less and worse things for me. It just doesn’t add up. At least that’s my opinion. And that’s why I don’t like politics.

I am not the most focused person, as I’m sure it became clear. Sometimes I hate this, but other times I think that my lack of focus is my differential. I can think outside the box and be creative. I like to believe that because of my craziness I’ll do something cool and inspire others. I really want to inspire people and to be recognized as someone who made life prettier and happier. But sometimes I feel misunderstood. I felt this way my entire life and recently I started to accept that and it’s probably why I discover so much about me. I stopped rejecting my personality and it has been a huge change. I realize I’m one of a kind. A weird kind, for sure, but one of a kind. Today, I know my parents love me the way I am. I also know some people don’t and might never will, no matter what I do. It’s completely out of my hands and try to please them will only make the relationship longer than it should. I made that mistake too many times and it got me heartbroken even more. Since I realized it, the number of friends I’ve got have been decreasing day after day. But the friends I have left now are the best I could ever ask for. I feel grateful and happy. 

Sometimes I still feel insecure. That’s why I wrote all of this. To keep in mind I’m improving. And also that I’m awesome. I wish people could try getting to know them as well. If I can, I want to be able to bring this self awareness to people. To make them happy. I believe happy people can change the world. Maybe someday I can.