How come everything is my fucking fault? Really, my life is a mess and I still have to deal with everybody else blaming me. Today my mom said I was the cause of her horrible life and her lack of peace was on me. She also said she never thought she could have such an ungrateful child. Yeah, my friend, that’s me: I am the fucking ungrateful child. After all I’ve been doing, I’m fucking ungrateful. Just because I wanna do things my own way; just because I’m done being nice while everyone else continues to put me down; just because I decided to start defending myself; just because I had the audacity to be honest about my life.
The truth is I can’t handle any more mixed signals. I need to be honest about who I am and what I want in order to get my shit together. And I need to know if I can or cannot count on their help. They don’t have to do anything and I don’t expect them to help me, but I need to know where I truly stand to make better decisions. It’s not fair for them to give me something and then blaming me for accepting it. I didn’t ask for any of it, but I’m not exactly in a place where I can refuse any kind of help, you know? If only I knew where I truly stand, I could deal with the reality straightforwardly. I’ll do what I have to do, I’m a hardworking person. I just need to know which tools are available for me to use so I can make the best of it because time is not exactly my friend right now.
The irony is that it does even matter how many contradicting signals they’re giving me, I’m still the crazy one for feeling lonely and unsupported. In their opinion, I gotta believe I have their full support – just because they say so. It doesn’t matter if they’re constantly blaming me for everything; or if they’re questioning every single thing I do; or if they don’t believe I can do it and never even bother to keep it to themselves; or if they resent me for needing their financial support; and it sure as hell doesn’t matter if their actions never match their words.. No, none of these things matter. It has to be only my fault. I must be the one who’s creating conspiracy theories in order to feel better about my unreachable goals – yeah, I’ll never get over this madness.
You know what? Maybe I do live in Bobby’s world after all. I mean, I’ve always felt things exactly the way they were and yet I decided to trust their words instead. I kept feeling I wasn’t welcome, like I was an intruder, a burden to their lives. And I still chose to pretend it wasn’t true because they said so and, come on, my family is amazing, how could they lie to me, right? Of course they would never mess with my head by sending mixed signals. Of course the only explanation possible is that I’m losing my mind. It’s not their fault that my dreams are a little too high for someone who was never that smart.
I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore considering that that ship has sailed. Today I got the confirmation my mind was waiting for when my mom decided it was finally time to share her true thoughts and beliefs. The worse part is that, even though I wasn’t surprised at all, it still felt like a bullet went through my stomach. I guess some part of me was in denial, refusing to believe my mom would really resent me that much for paying for my health insurance and for letting me stay at her house until I get my shit together.. And because nobody ever had the courage to say those things so directly to me before, I was able to keep hoping I was imagining things, hoping I was losing my mind, hoping it was not a lie when they said they got my back no matter what.
But again, that’s not the case anymore; and denial is no longer an option now. I guess I should be happy about it; grateful, even, because now I have the opportunity to take a step back and adjust my plan knowing exactly how things truly are; knowing I finally got kicked out of Bobby’s world; knowing I’m alone and homeless; knowing I’m the only one cheering for myself.
And it’s totally fine because now I know and that’s all I could ever want. Knowledge is power. And it always will be. And I’ll always feel grateful for it.
I guess the ungrateful bitch is not that ungrateful after all, isn’t she?
🙂
Hi, I'm Olivia 