I used to believe I was a very insecure person. I wasn’t entirely wrong but I might have underestimated the self esteem whole thing. It’s not just my problem, it’s our problem. The question I have to ask is why do we bother so much about other people’s opinion? Is it our reputation that we are worried about or are we afraid the other person knows more about ourselves than us? Can someone else define our own value besides us? But if our self esteem is related to others’ opinions, wouldn’t it be more accurate to say ‘their esteem’ instead?
The way I see it, since we were little children our parents have been teaching us to please, be kind and polite. Because we want to be worthy of their love and make them proud, we do it without a blink. The problem is we are somehow mislead to believe love is conditioned to those things and that it depends on how nice we are, how obedient we are, how polite we are. But it’s just not true. In fact, when that’s the case, it’s not even love at all. For me, love is more related to our flaws than anything else. It’s about knowing and accepting someone for its true self. It’s what makes it beautiful, special and so meaningful.
After many years of therapy, I finally realized we are all flawed. It’s the reality and there’s no exception. However it is important to say we are not only flaws. Our personality is made of countless characteristics, some are good, others not so much and that’s more than ok. There is no person in the whole universe that is perfect, therefore, pursue it won’t bring us happiness. We should accept our imperfections and understand that they are a part of our personality, and that part makes us unique. The problem is we don’t, and it causes a lot of suffering. We try so hard to be perfect but it’s just impossible. Then, we are left with an endless failure and disappointment.
I learned people don’t change the essence of their personality. They can only evolve and that’s a good thing. But to do that, we have to know who we are and embrace it. Only then we will always have the opportunity to be better. Unfortunately I noticed there is a large number of people who have no clue about themselves. They are relentlessly trying to hide the parts they are ashamed of and trying to fit into boxes where is no space. They are constantly forced to be someone else and that’s just not going to last. I already try that and let me break it to you. The pretending is really exhausting. All the energy we have just vanishes in the process and we become empty on the inside. Our light fades away and we are left in the dark with a huge nothing. It makes us question our own existence. And that is not fine, not fine at all.
Today, I’m proud to say I know a lit bit about myself and I like it. Some days more, some days less, but I guess I can finally say I’m in peace with who I am. Actually, most days I even love my personality. Imagine that, right? It’s funny because I always thought I could never describe myself, especially the good parts, but as I’m writing this, I just realized it might not be undoable anymore.
To begin with, I truly believe anyone who has the chance to know me is quite lucky. I’m someone who is always trying to evolve which makes me grow constantly. I stopped trying to fit my immense personality into tiny little boxes. I’m loud and crazy. I’m also kind and responsible. I’m clever and honest – a little too honest sometimes – and it works for me. I can overthink and be impulsive at the same time. I believe in God but I don’t believe in churches. In my opinion, it should bring the best in people but it doesn’t and that’s why it makes no sense to me. I don’t accept something as the truth just because someone says so. I usually question things. I’m curious and I search for answers so I can understand what’s around me. I have a problem with the unknown and I believe that’s what makes me smarter. By the way, I prefer to be called bright than pretty. I use the word ‘cute’ as a compliment even though people usually think it is not. I don’t feel comfortable being overweight. Probably because I believe it could be controlled and I like to be in control of my life. I also like to earn what I get and I feel very guilty when I don’t.
Another thing about me is that I try very hard not to judge. I know what is like to be judged and it hurts so much. Yet sometimes I do judge which means I failed. I don’t like to fail so obviously it makes me very sad. I can be a little too obsessed with lots of useless things. I collect things I don’t need. I have trouble keeping control of my own mind. I think too much, too fast, too messy and my words normally don’t follow up. For that reason, I avoid to talk about important stuff in person. I end up saying things I don’t mean to or not saying them at all. Unless you are a very patient listener, otherwise, I won’t make much sense and, at that moment, the conversation will be pointless and insufficient. I don’t do well with unfinished business, so there’s a good chance you’ll receive a long text message later with all I should’ve said. However, if I’m done with you, I’ll be tempted to disappear because I hate unnecessary conversations. I also type fast. Like really really fast. You won’t be able to keep up with me. At least, I’ve never met someone who could. For me, writing gives me peace, it’s like a big hug from my mind. It’s the way I found to organize my thoughts which is why I rather discuss problems by text messages.
I love gossip. In fact, quitting it has been one of my New Year’s resolutions since I can remember but it’s just too much fun and entertaining, so I do it with a few really close friends and pretend it’s not happening. I still feel pretty bad and hypocrite but life goes on. Yes, I can be hypocritical. I don’t mean to, but sometimes I can’t help it. It also makes me feel horrible and inconsistent because I hate hypocritical people. I hate being on a diet. I do baby voices when I talk to my dog and I feel pathetic. I hate when someone tells me to keep it down. I’m loud. I do funny dances and I have a happy personality. I laugh like a crazy person and I don’t mind. If you do, that’s your problem. I say no if I have to, even if it makes me feel guilty, when I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m also someone you can count on. You can ask me to go to boring places and I will just to make it less boring for you. I love Cheetos and candy. I also like salad. I’m annoying. I like the things the way I left them. I’m in love with book stores and paper stuff. I have many unread books but somehow I still end up buying more.
I try to look at the bright side of things. I try to be grateful. I believe in good and that’s probably why people cheat and lie to me very often. I can be very naive. However, I prefer to be disappointed than to disappoint. I believe hurt people hurt others so I make an effort to understand the reasons which led someone to do something like that. I want to justify the unpleasant behavior and prove myself that people are not deliberately mean, that way, I can forgive and move on. Only I’m drown to fix and help, therefore, moving on can be a lot challenging. Even so, I keep trying. I like shining objects. I get happy as a kid on Christmas’s Eve when someone gives me a gift, even if it’s a small piece of chocolate. I like to get a lot of attention from the ones I love. I forget stuff very often so I need to write things down to remember it later. I do that on classes too and I don’t mind sharing my notes if you ask me to. I love to drive fast cars. By the way, I just remember that the song ‘fast car’ from Snow Patrol makes me cry almost every time. I sing while I’m driving. I could dance too. I’m proud to make good deals so if I buy something on sale it’s very likely that I’ll tell everyone I can. I get embarrassed when people think too highly of themselves in front of me. Horror movies get me nightmares so I never watch them. My favorite pizza is pepperoni from Pizza Hut. When I was a kid, I ate it every day for about 3 months. I love skiing even though I only did it once. Snow also reminds me of Boston. Thinking about it, my hair looked great there. Hot weather makes me irritated and uncomfortable. I cry very easily. I wish I could be a practical person. I hate lying.
I laugh when I’m nervous and panic under pressure. I also have a hard time to express my feelings in portuguese. I don’t know why but saying things in English sounds less stupid. I can really put my heart out. I also talk to myself aloud. In English. Yes, I’m weird that way. Maybe that’s what made my English better. Not that is great, but I sure won’t have communication trouble if I decide to live abroad. I would love to live abroad again. I spent 6 months in Boston and it was the best 6 months ever. I’ve learned the best lesson I could which was to live my life regardless of people’s approval. Those I used to call my friends didn’t like me and said terrible things behind my back. I didn’t know right away so I felt betrayed when I did. I also felt ashamed to tell my family what was going on and after lots of crying days I decided I should just suck it up which was what I did. It was not easy but it sure as hell made me stronger. After a while, I made some new friends and everything got better. Those I could keep until today, in fact, they even came to visit me once.
I don’t feel comfortable exposing my life on Instagram, it feels fake and empty to me. I also don’t want to prove my professional value there and hopefully I will never have to. I like to post random, cute and funny things. I like long conversations, especially with people who think different. I like to know other points of view. For me, that’s the only way to have a valid opinion about any topic. I’m also open minded and very available to be convinced otherwise. But you need to convince me using great logical and compelling arguments. That’s the only way. If you succeed, I will happily change my mind. Of course I’ll be even happier if I’m right, but I promise I’ll try very hard not to gloat. That’s another fact about me: I love to be right.
I love fashion but I hate working with it. It makes me sick, actually. It messes with my head and I find the environment a little too toxic. I can’t handle it and I honestly don’t want to. My goal is to make a difference in the world. Be good. And I want to get paid for it. I’m a capitalism enthusiastic. I believe it’s the only way people can rise and be free. I recently discover myself as a liberal and I don’t believe the government should messes around anybody’s life. I’m the only person who knows what’s better for myself. For that reason, why should I let a corrupt person decides how I should do things and spend my money? There’s no such thing as collectivism. Usually the only ones who benefit from it are the politicians, which means they’ll spend more of my money to do less and worse things for me. It just doesn’t add up. At least that’s my opinion. And that’s why I don’t like politics.
I am not the most focused person, as I’m sure it became clear. Sometimes I hate this, but other times I think that my lack of focus is my differential. I can think outside the box and be creative. I like to believe that because of my craziness I’ll do something cool and inspire others. I really want to inspire people and to be recognized as someone who made life prettier and happier. But sometimes I feel misunderstood. I felt this way my entire life and recently I started to accept that and it’s probably why I discover so much about me. I stopped rejecting my personality and it has been a huge change. I realize I’m one of a kind. A weird kind, for sure, but one of a kind. Today, I know my parents love me the way I am. I also know some people don’t and might never will, no matter what I do. It’s completely out of my hands and try to please them will only make the relationship longer than it should. I made that mistake too many times and it got me heartbroken even more. Since I realized it, the number of friends I’ve got have been decreasing day after day. But the friends I have left now are the best I could ever ask for. I feel grateful and happy.
Sometimes I still feel insecure. That’s why I wrote all of this. To keep in mind I’m improving. And also that I’m awesome. I wish people could try getting to know them as well. If I can, I want to be able to bring this self awareness to people. To make them happy. I believe happy people can change the world. Maybe someday I can.
Hi, I'm Olivia 