About 3 years ago, I decided to start over. Like completely fresh. I’ve done a lot of that since – well, since forever – but this time it felt different. I was really confident that I was doing the right thing, after all, I was going towards a lifetime goal, my childish dream and, because of that, I made some promises to myself to make sure anyone nothing would get in my way of doing those things. For once, my opinion would be my only guide. My life, my plans, my choices, right? I’m the person who gets most affected by all so I might as well just make myself the only one to blame if things goes south – which, by the way, it’s been the only way everything’s going so far.
Anyway, I decided I wouldn’t get romantically involved. I know I always get too attached – and a little obsessed with new things – so a break should be the way to go and get the focus I intended. So, it’s been like that for 2 years which’s quite a change since I’ve been jumping from one relationship to another since I can remember. I won’t lie, the beginning was tough, it felt very lonely, but then I started feeling a freedom I’ve never felt. I could just stay home, eat junky food and be a mess for all I care. I didn’t need to get all dressed up and be friendly. I didn’t have to be nice and give away anything just because that’s what you should do ir order to keep others happy. Don’t get me wrong, I usually don’t mind, but sometimes it just gets really overwhelming because being someone for me and for everybody else is not a thing you can easily accomplish. You need to make choices almost always and those aren’t exactly my best feature. Neither is time management, which’s also required.
You might say I was living the dream, right? The problem is I wasn’t used to putting myself first. Ever. I had trouble keeping up with my schedules and it all got very messy. When I was doing it for others, it was natural. I’ve always been a person you could count on and I would rather be miserable than let my people down. To be honest, it wasn’t really a big deal for me since I already felt like a loser – which made me feel shitty all the time – so why not make a difference in my loved ones’ lives? I could at least make myself useful and feel a little bit better on the way, right?
Wrong. So fucking wrong. It’s nearly impossible to make everyone else happy when you aren’t at your best. It’s not like you envy them or anything, actually, you can really feel happy for others’ accomplishments – at least I always did – but the constant feel of disposable affects your relationships because of the big elephant in the room – the insecureness – just waiting around the corner to crush your hopes and dreams, second-guessing every single thing that happens until you finally get the answer you’ve been looking for all along: you’re not enough.
Anyway, that being said, I decided I had to make something for myself. I had to become someone I’m proud of. I needed to be my own person for a change. And for that, I had to take a few steps back and rethink all my choices so far to understand what needed to be changed for me to get where I wanted. Hell, if I didn’t even know what I wanted, how was I supposed to know how to get there, right? It’s hard to acknowledge your life is a mess and it’s even harder when you have no idea which way to go. It’s like you’re at this shitty place trying to get the fuck out, but you have nowhere to go, so the more you move, the lower it gets. And it really sucks.
Eventually, I realize what I was searching for. The answers were inside me all along, but I was so blindsided by everything else that I had not been able to visualize. For a very long time, I thought I was the person my family believed I was. I kept looking for the things they valued because I truly thought it was what I wanted too. But the more I went through it, the more I felt the frustration and emptiness that came along with it. The winnings weren’t joyful, quite the opposite actually. And then it hits me. After all those years of therapy, I finally understood why I kept feeling so out of place. It’s kinda funny because the reason I felt so disconnected was that simple – I was literally out of my own place, the place I was supposed to be, the place that makes sense for me. If you think about it, of course the winnings weren’t joyful, I wasn’t really winning, was I?
I know I should feel good I know better now. I feel I can finally see what’s in front of me and for sure this kind of knowledge will eventually come in handy, but I never truly thought the execution would require that much strength. Even though I’m aware of my reality and the challenges that comes with it, some days it takes an immensely amount of breathing just to get through it and it’s exhausting. And it’s even more demanding when you decide to go against everybody else because then you have to keep pulling yourself together so you don’t have to hear the ‘I told you so’s and feel even more shitty about it.
Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I regret my current choice, that’s not it. I know I’m making the right one, at least right now. I’m just acknowledging how difficult it is. Putting yourself out there for failure after failure when you’ve been feeling like a loser for way too many years is not exactly a piece of cake. I know I should be grateful for all that brought me here and whatever, but if I’m being honest, there are days that all I could wish for is a do over, and hell, I’d make things a whole lot different because it sucks to have a turning point like this when you’re not that young anymore. But then again, if the information that got me here weren’t available by that moment, how could I’ve known better? I guess I just have to suck it up and do my best at this shitty situation. After all, unless time traveling becomes a thing, there’s not much to be done – one can only hope though.
And hopefully, pretty soon I’ll be rising up like a freaking phoenix..
Hi, I'm Olivia 