The things I wish I could say

I don’t get it. I really don’t get what’s going on on their minds that justifies their actions. I’m sorry, but love is just not a good enough reason – at least not anymore. Why do I have to feel guilty for standing up for myself? She does it all the time and no one says anything, but with me.. And it’s not like her life is perfect or anything because it sure as hell isn’t. She’s ruining her life and no one says a fucking thing about it. Nobody feels the urge to “help” her with all the unsolicited thoughts and opinions. Because she’s a grown up, right? She can make her own choices and mistakes. But guess what, so am I. So I should be allowed to make my own choices without feeling so guilty about it because my choices don’t affect them the same way hers do. And yet, I’m the one being judged all the time. I’m the horrible person who has all these horrible feelings towards the perfect family. It’s my fault because I’m the one nobody understands when – to be honest – I guess they simply don’t care enough to try. However, it shouldn’t be my fault, you know? Every time I start telling how I feel, there’s always the “I don’t get you; this doesn’t make any sense; this conversation is over”.

So why does it always have to be my fault? Why do I keep being blamed for everything? All I’ve been doing these past years is think about everyone else’s feelings and I’m tired of it. I’m so fucking tired of doing so because it feels like I’m the only one doing it. And yeah, I’m mad. And unfortunately there’s no going back once you realize the reciprocity doesn’t exist. Once you see it, it’s almost impossible to keep pretending you are delusional. Conspiracy theories, right? No wonder I’m so mad.

And yet, I’m the crazy one. She said with all the fucking words that she doesn’t believe I can do it. That she thinks I’ll never be successful on my own, and that the best I can do is accept it and move on. Get married or whatever, you know? Have some drinks, travel a little bit and all my misery would be easily managed. Because it’s the only way I would ever be financial supported, after all, I’m not intelligent enough to do it for myself. I need someone else. And because I don’t agree, because I think I deserve more, because I believe I’m intelligent enough, because I have the audacity to believe I can be happy by my own, I’m the one to be blamed. I’m the one creating conspiracy theories about their love and support. Because even though every one makes it crystal clear what their opinions are, it’s a freaking conspiracy theory to believe that what they’re saying is true. It’s a freaking conspiracy theory to feel I’m all alone on my path and that I’m the only one cheering up for myself. Because they said they support me, it should be enough, I should believe it. Even thought their actions don’t stand for it – actually these past few weeks, not even the words are standing for it anymore.

So yeah, I’m very much mad about it. Because I realize now questioning my choices isn’t enough, they need to question my sanity as well. My mental state has to be questioned too. Once again, I’m the one being discredited simply because I refuse to conform. So please, tell me again. How’s this fair to me? Why is it so hard to understand my reasons to be sad? And you know the funny part? I’m not really mad about the lack of support because – deep down – I already knew that so it’s not really a surprise or anything. I’m mad because they’re making me feel like I’m delusional. They keep doubting my mental state. They keep doubting my strength to get pass it. And I keep pretending they’re not the ones making me feel so bad about myself, I keep pretending they have nothing to do with it because I don’t wanna hurt their feeling more than they’re already hurt; because I know they love me so much and all they wish for is my happiness. So I keep pretending they’re not the reason I’m so depressed. And I keep embracing the guilt all by myself. Because yeah, I can’t help but feel an awful guilt every time I stand up for myself. They’ve been through so much already, why would I make it even worse?

However, once again, who’s thinking about me? Who’s worried about my feelings for a change? Who’s trying to make my life easier? Who’s trying to support me? Who believes in me? And most important, who’s owning the responsibility of the choices that are being made? I have to do it all the time. I have to think about everyone else’s feelings while my life is falling apart. I have to make their lives easier even if it makes mine harder because I’m grateful for having them and I feel like that’s what grateful people do. I have to give it back. But how’s this fair to me? I keep putting my life on hold to take care of everyone else’s feelings and needs because they’ve been through so much and they don’t deserve it. And I know nobody asked for it so that was my mistake. I own up to it. The thing is I’m tired now but somehow they got used to it. They got used to saying all that’s on their minds regardless of how I might feel. And they got used to me letting them do it. I did it my entire life even though they never asked for it, and that’s why I know it’s my own fault. I know that, and I’m trying to make things different now, I’m trying to put all my pieces together. But I can’t stop wondering.. Why do I have to be the only one doing it? Who else is doing it?

I already judge myself harder than anyone can ever imagine, I already know how much I failed. I already had to embrace the pain and make amends with everything it cost me. I already have to sacrifice my present so I can have a better future. And I’ll keep doing it until I get what I want therefore I’m not complaining, after all, it’s my choice. It’s what I feel in my heart it’s the right thing to do, the smart choice for me – the one that allows me to breathe. I’m the one whose life sucks right now and yet I feel so much peaceful about it because I know it’s all for a better tomorrow. I accepted my shitty reality and I’m happy with all the sacrifices that needed to be done because it makes sense to me; it’s for a greater good and knowing that brings me peace to keep going forward.

So I’m okay with my life and all the difficulties that comes with it. I have a goal; I have faith in a better tomorrow; and I’m capable enough to do all the work that needs to be done. I’m so up for it, I’m excited for it because it makes sense, it’s logical. What I don’t know is if I’ll ever be okay with the whole “conspiracy theory” thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get passed this. It hurts like hell to be discredited like that from someone you love so much. “But it’s in the name of love”. I’m sorry, it’s not good enough. In fact, I think it’s just cruel to discredit someone’s feelings like that – especially when you don’t give any good enough reason to prove those feelings wrong. And even though I only repeated the words that were said to me, I still got discredited for because it cannot be the truth. Because she wouldn’t do it to me, she wouldn’t say it, so the only other option is that I have to be creating conspiracy theories to make me feel better about the wrong choices I’ve made. Because “she loves you so much“; “she’s just worried about you“; “you’re like a daughter to her” or any other nonsenses they feel it might justify the questionable behavior.

So yeah, not only I have to feel completely alone and cheer for myself, I also have to feel guilty about it. Because who would understand all the horrible feelings I’m feeling towards such a wonderful and supportive family? I have to be crazy to feel this way. I have to be creating everything in my mind because I’m too depressed to take responsibility for my own shit. I have to be too depressed to deal with the sacrifices my choices brought so I need to blame someone else in order to feel better about my own incapabilities and keep going. Because – for them – the truth is I’ll never be capable enough to get accepted at college even if I currently have a scholarship given by the best school to do so. Even if people there believe me enough to “pay” for my studies. Even if my teachers think I’m capable. No, for my family, I’m just not intelligent or hardworking enough. I was always the pretty and skinny one so it’s insane to think I might be intelligent as well – especially when the intelligent one wasn’t capable of doing it herself. Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe she was – and is – capable of getting accepted anywhere she desires but I think she just didn’t care enough to keep trying at that time because it takes a lot of sacrifices and hard work. She wasn’t up for it then; she’s not up for it now, and it’s totally fine. No one’s judging the choice she made with the reality she had. It’s totally fine. She has the right to live her life the way she wants to. It’s the beauty of life, you know? You can choose which sacrifices and joys are worth your while because you’ll have to deal with all the good and bad that comes with it.

But you know what you cannot do? You cannot live your life the way you want and then criticize someone for doing the exact same thing. It’s hypocritical, unfair and it doesn’t concern you at all – especially when you don’t get affected by those choices. It doesn’t matter how sad you feel or how worried you get when it’s not about you. Don’t you dare think you’re so perfect that you are enable to make mistakes. Every single one of us felt – and feel – those exact same things when we believe you’re not making smart decisions, but we respect you enough to be quiet about it and let you deal with it the way it suits you best – while keeping ourselves close in case you need. We trust you. I trust you. So why can’t you do the same for me? Why can’t you give some credit?

I’m not asking you to be supportive. I know that’s too much to ask of you, so what I’m asking for is your respect. Please, respect my choices and trust that I know what I’m doing. I wish you could be there for me, dream with me and hope for a better future with me. However, if you cannot do it, I would rather have your honesty. Stop pretending you support me while you keep trying to cut off my wings. It’s not fair. It doesn’t help me. Stop trying to undermine my feelings and my mental state. I’m not delusional and I know you know it. I also know you know I’m not creating conspiracy theories in my head. Sometimes I think that what makes you so mad about it is that I have the guts to say what’s on your mind while you can’t. You think I’m so fragile, but it must suck to realize that the person you’re trying so hard to protect with your lies knows exactly what the truth is and have the courage to be straightforward about it when you can’t, even though you were always the logical one, the practical one. It must suck to live in Bobby’s world being that person. So it makes sense you accuse me of doing so because then you wouldn’t be living there alone. It might also suck to lose all your hopes and dreams and see someone whose life’s much harder than yours so attached to hers. I really think it might suck. But I also think that’s your problem, not mine. Criticize me for the things you don’t feel courageous enough to do is not fair. It’s not fair to kill my hopes and dreams just because yours are dead. If your life didn’t go the way you hope it would, you should try to recalculate your route, not shove your failures and disbelieves under my throat. Don’t kill my vibe, don’t be my biggest hater and say it’s all because of love. You see, you’ve always been a very transparent person so I can see you rolling your eyes at me every time I start sharing my goals – which is why we are not as close as we used to be, if you ever wondered. I can’t be around someone who’s always treating me like I’m incapable of managing my own life. Like my goals are unrealistic. Like I’m not capable or intelligent or hardworking enough. Like I’m a dreamer and therefore I must be stupid and dumb. I’m not a spoiled brat, you know.. It might be a shock, but I’m very much aware of my reality, but I refuse to give up because I’m not a quitter. I never was and I’ll never will be.

So yeah, I guess you’re right. I do have a lot of anger inside me. But is it so out of place that I do? You can all yell as you wish because I’m always there to put the pieces you broke together with love and kindness. It’s always been like that because, well, I’m not only the pretty and skinny of the family, I’m also the tender one, the worried one, the one whose feelings are never above yours or anyone else’s for that matter. So yeah, you were always free to treat everyone the way you felt like it the same way I was always there trying to make it better. So is it really a conspiracy theory that I created so I could cope with my own insecurities? I guess I’m far from that person, you know. In fact, that is – as far as I can remember – my biggest problem: feeling too much, and because of that I had to learn how to deal with all the overwhelming emotions very early in life. So no, sweetie, I don’t need to try to hide from anything because they’ve always found me no matter what, so I eventually just stopped trying and started embracing all of it.

But I think that might be you who’s trying to hide from your feelings. And if you don’t mind me saying it, the longer you try to hide it, the more overwhelming it will be when it all comes out. And it always comes out, always – that I can guarantee.