The ungrateful bitch

How come everything is my fucking fault? Really, my life is a mess and I still have to deal with everybody else blaming me. Today my mom said I was the cause of her horrible life and her lack of peace was on me. She also said she never thought she could have such an ungrateful child. Yeah, my friend, that’s me: I am the fucking ungrateful child. After all I’ve been doing, I’m fucking ungrateful. Just because I wanna do things my own way; just because I’m done being nice while everyone else continues to put me down; just because I decided to start standing up for myself; just because I had the audacity to be honest about my life.

The truth is I can’t handle any more mixed signals. I need to be honest about who I am and what I want in order to get my shit together. And I need to know if I can or cannot count on their help. They don’t have to do anything and I don’t expect them to help me, but I need to know where I truly stand to make better decisions. It’s not fair for them to give me something and then blaming me for accepting it. I didn’t ask for any of it, but I’m not exactly in a place where I can refuse any kind of help, you know? If only I knew where I truly stand, I could deal with the reality straightforwardly. I’ll do what I have to do, I’m a hardworking person. I just need to know which tools are available for me to use so I can make the best of it because time is not exactly on my side right now.

The irony is that it does even matter how many contradicting signals they’re giving me, I’m still the crazy one for feeling lonely and unsupported. In their opinion, I gotta believe I have their full support – just because they say so. It doesn’t matter if they’re constantly blaming me for everything; or if they’re questioning every single thing I do; or if they don’t believe I can do it and never even bother to keep it to themselves; or if they resent me for needing their financial support; and it sure as hell doesn’t matter if their actions never match their words.. No, none of these things matter. It has to be my fault. I must be the one who’s creating conspiracy theories in order to feel better about my unreachable goals – yeah, this again, I’ll never get over this madness.

And you know what? Maybe I do live in Bobby’s world after all. I mean, I’ve always felt things exactly the way they were and yet I decided to trust their words instead. I kept feeling I wasn’t welcome, like I was an intruder, a burden to their lives. And I still chose to pretend it wasn’t true because they said so and, come on, my family is amazing, how could they lie to me, right? Of course they would never mess with my head by sending mixed signals. Of course the only possible explanation is that I’m losing my damn mind. It’s not their fault my dreams are a little too high for someone who was never that smart.

I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore considering that that ship has sailed. Today I got the confirmation my mind was waiting for when my mom decided it was finally time to share her true thoughts and beliefs. The worse part is that, even though I wasn’t surprised at all, it still felt like a bullet went through my stomach. I guess some part of me was in denial, refusing to believe my mom would really resent me that much for paying for my health insurance and for letting me stay at her house until I get my shit together.. And because nobody ever had the courage to say those things so directly to me before, I was able to keep hoping I was imagining things, hoping I was in fact losing my mind, hoping it was true when they said they got my back no matter what.

But again, that’s not the case anymore; and denial is no longer an option now. I guess I should be happy about it, grateful, even, because now I have the opportunity to take a step back and adjust my plan knowing exactly how things truly are; knowing I’m finally getting kicked out of Bobby’s world; knowing I’m alone and “homeless”; knowing I’m the only one cheering up for myself.

And it’s totally fine because now I know and that’s all I could ever want. Knowledge is power. And it always will be. And I’ll always be grateful for it.

I guess the ungrateful bitch isn’t that ungrateful after all, is she?

🙂

The things I wish I could say

I don’t get it. I really don’t get what’s going on on their minds that justifies their actions. I’m sorry, but love is just not a good enough reason – at least not anymore. Why do I have to feel guilty for standing up for myself? She does it all the time and no one says anything, but with me.. And it’s not like her life is perfect or anything because it sure as hell isn’t. She’s ruining her life and no one says a fucking thing about it. Nobody feels the urge to “help” her with all the unsolicited thoughts and opinions. Because she’s a grown up, right? She can make her own choices and mistakes. But guess what, so am I. So I should be allowed to make my own choices without feeling so guilty about it because my choices don’t affect them the same way hers do. And yet, I’m the one being judged all the time. I’m the horrible person who has all these horrible feelings towards the perfect family. It’s my fault because I’m the one nobody understands when – to be honest – I guess they simply don’t care enough to try. However, it shouldn’t be my fault, you know? Every time I start telling how I feel, there’s always the “I don’t get you; this doesn’t make any sense; this conversation is over”.

So why does it always have to be my fault? Why do I keep being blamed for everything? All I’ve been doing these past years is think about everyone else’s feelings and I’m tired of it. I’m so fucking tired of doing so because it feels like I’m the only one doing it. And yeah, I’m mad. And unfortunately there’s no going back once you realize the reciprocity doesn’t exist. Once you see it, it’s almost impossible to keep pretending you are delusional. Conspiracy theories, right? No wonder I’m so mad.

And yet, I’m the crazy one. She said with all the fucking words that she doesn’t believe I can do it. That she thinks I’ll never be successful on my own, and that the best I can do is accept it and move on. Get married or whatever, you know? Have some drinks, travel a little bit and all my misery would be easily managed. Because it’s the only way I would ever be financial supported, after all, I’m not intelligent enough to do it for myself. I need someone else. And because I don’t agree, because I think I deserve more, because I believe I’m intelligent enough, because I have the audacity to believe I can be happy by my own, I’m the one to be blamed. I’m the one creating conspiracy theories about their love and support. Because even though every one makes it crystal clear what their opinions are, it’s a freaking conspiracy theory to believe that what they’re saying is true. It’s a freaking conspiracy theory to feel I’m all alone on my path and that I’m the only one cheering up for myself. Because they said they support me, it should be enough, I should believe it. Even thought their actions don’t stand for it – actually these past few weeks, not even the words are standing for it anymore.

So yeah, I’m very much mad about it. Because I realize now questioning my choices isn’t enough, they need to question my sanity as well. My mental state has to be questioned too. Once again, I’m the one being discredited simply because I refuse to conform. So please, tell me again. How’s this fair to me? Why is it so hard to understand my reasons to be sad? And you know the funny part? I’m not really mad about the lack of support because – deep down – I already knew that so it’s not really a surprise or anything. I’m mad because they’re making me feel like I’m delusional. They keep doubting my mental state. They keep doubting my strength to get pass it. And I keep pretending they’re not the ones making me feel so bad about myself, I keep pretending they have nothing to do with it because I don’t wanna hurt their feeling more than they’re already hurt; because I know they love me so much and all they wish for is my happiness. So I keep pretending they’re not the reason I’m so depressed. And I keep embracing the guilt all by myself. Because yeah, I can’t help but feel an awful guilt every time I stand up for myself. They’ve been through so much already, why would I make it even worse?

However, once again, who’s thinking about me? Who’s worried about my feelings for a change? Who’s trying to make my life easier? Who’s trying to support me? Who believes in me? And most important, who’s owning the responsibility of the choices that are being made? I have to do it all the time. I have to think about everyone else’s feelings while my life is falling apart. I have to make their lives easier even if it makes mine harder because I’m grateful for having them and I feel like that’s what grateful people do. I have to give it back. But how’s this fair to me? I keep putting my life on hold to take care of everyone else’s feelings and needs because they’ve been through so much and they don’t deserve it. And I know nobody asked for it so that was my mistake. I own up to it. The thing is I’m tired now but somehow they got used to it. They got used to saying all that’s on their minds regardless of how I might feel. And they got used to me letting them do it. I did it my entire life even though they never asked for it, and that’s why I know it’s my own fault. I know that, and I’m trying to make things different now, I’m trying to put all my pieces together. But I can’t stop wondering.. Why do I have to be the only one doing it? Who else is doing it?

I already judge myself harder than anyone can ever imagine, I already know how much I failed. I already had to embrace the pain and make amends with everything it cost me. I already have to sacrifice my present so I can have a better future. And I’ll keep doing it until I get what I want therefore I’m not complaining, after all, it’s my choice. It’s what I feel in my heart it’s the right thing to do, the smart choice for me – the one that allows me to breathe. I’m the one whose life sucks right now and yet I feel so much peaceful about it because I know it’s all for a better tomorrow. I accepted my shitty reality and I’m happy with all the sacrifices that needed to be done because it makes sense to me; it’s for a greater good and knowing that brings me peace to keep going forward.

So I’m okay with my life and all the difficulties that comes with it. I have a goal; I have faith in a better tomorrow; and I’m capable enough to do all the work that needs to be done. I’m so up for it, I’m excited for it because it makes sense, it’s logical. What I don’t know is if I’ll ever be okay with the whole “conspiracy theory” thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get passed this. It hurts like hell to be discredited like that from someone you love so much. “But it’s in the name of love”. I’m sorry, it’s not good enough. In fact, I think it’s just cruel to discredit someone’s feelings like that – especially when you don’t give any good enough reason to prove those feelings wrong. And even though I only repeated the words that were said to me, I still got discredited for because it cannot be the truth. Because she wouldn’t do it to me, she wouldn’t say it, so the only other option is that I have to be creating conspiracy theories to make me feel better about the wrong choices I’ve made. Because “she loves you so much“; “she’s just worried about you“; “you’re like a daughter to her” or any other nonsenses they feel it might justify the questionable behavior.

So yeah, not only I have to feel completely alone and cheer for myself, I also have to feel guilty about it. Because who would understand all the horrible feelings I’m feeling towards such a wonderful and supportive family? I have to be crazy to feel this way. I have to be creating everything in my mind because I’m too depressed to take responsibility for my own shit. I have to be too depressed to deal with the sacrifices my choices brought so I need to blame someone else in order to feel better about my own incapabilities and keep going. Because – for them – the truth is I’ll never be capable enough to get accepted at college even if I currently have a scholarship given by the best school to do so. Even if people there believe me enough to “pay” for my studies. Even if my teachers think I’m capable. No, for my family, I’m just not intelligent or hardworking enough. I was always the pretty and skinny one so it’s insane to think I might be intelligent as well – especially when the intelligent one wasn’t capable of doing it herself. Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe she was – and is – capable of getting accepted anywhere she desires but I think she just didn’t care enough to keep trying at that time because it takes a lot of sacrifices and hard work. She wasn’t up for it then; she’s not up for it now, and it’s totally fine. No one’s judging the choice she made with the reality she had. It’s totally fine. She has the right to live her life the way she wants to. It’s the beauty of life, you know? You can choose which sacrifices and joys are worth your while because you’ll have to deal with all the good and bad that comes with it.

But you know what you cannot do? You cannot live your life the way you want and then criticize someone for doing the exact same thing. It’s hypocritical, unfair and it doesn’t concern you at all – especially when you don’t get affected by those choices. It doesn’t matter how sad you feel or how worried you get when it’s not about you. Don’t you dare think you’re so perfect that you are enable to make mistakes. Every single one of us felt – and feel – those exact same things when we believe you’re not making smart decisions, but we respect you enough to be quiet about it and let you deal with it the way it suits you best – while keeping ourselves close in case you need. We trust you. I trust you. So why can’t you do the same for me? Why can’t you give some credit?

I’m not asking you to be supportive. I know that’s too much to ask of you, so what I’m asking for is your respect. Please, respect my choices and trust that I know what I’m doing. I wish you could be there for me, dream with me and hope for a better future with me. However, if you cannot do it, I would rather have your honesty. Stop pretending you support me while you keep trying to cut off my wings. It’s not fair. It doesn’t help me. Stop trying to undermine my feelings and my mental state. I’m not delusional and I know you know it. I also know you know I’m not creating conspiracy theories in my head. Sometimes I think that what makes you so mad about it is that I have the guts to say what’s on your mind while you can’t. You think I’m so fragile, but it must suck to realize that the person you’re trying so hard to protect with your lies knows exactly what the truth is and have the courage to be straightforward about it when you can’t, even though you were always the logical one, the practical one. It must suck to live in Bobby’s world being that person. So it makes sense you accuse me of doing so because then you wouldn’t be living there alone. It might also suck to lose all your hopes and dreams and see someone whose life’s much harder than yours so attached to hers. I really think it might suck. But I also think that’s your problem, not mine. Criticize me for the things you don’t feel courageous enough to do is not fair. It’s not fair to kill my hopes and dreams just because yours are dead. If your life didn’t go the way you hope it would, you should try to recalculate your route, not shove your failures and disbelieves under my throat. Don’t kill my vibe, don’t be my biggest hater and say it’s all because of love. You see, you’ve always been a very transparent person so I can see you rolling your eyes at me every time I start sharing my goals – which is why we are not as close as we used to be, if you ever wondered. I can’t be around someone who’s always treating me like I’m incapable of managing my own life. Like my goals are unrealistic. Like I’m not capable or intelligent or hardworking enough. Like I’m a dreamer and therefore I must be stupid and dumb. I’m not a spoiled brat, you know.. It might be a shock, but I’m very much aware of my reality, but I refuse to give up because I’m not a quitter. I never was and I’ll never will be.

So yeah, I guess you’re right. I do have a lot of anger inside me. But is it so out of place that I do? You can all yell as you wish because I’m always there to put the pieces you broke together with love and kindness. It’s always been like that because, well, I’m not only the pretty and skinny of the family, I’m also the tender one, the worried one, the one whose feelings are never above yours or anyone else’s for that matter. So yeah, you were always free to treat everyone the way you felt like it the same way I was always there trying to make it better. So is it really a conspiracy theory that I created so I could cope with my own insecurities? I guess I’m far from that person, you know. In fact, that is – as far as I can remember – my biggest problem: feeling too much, and because of that I had to learn how to deal with all the overwhelming emotions very early in life. So no, sweetie, I don’t need to try to hide from anything because they’ve always found me no matter what, so I eventually just stopped trying and started embracing all of it.

But I think that might be you who’s trying to hide from your feelings. And if you don’t mind me saying it, the longer you try to hide it, the more overwhelming it will be when it all comes out. And it always comes out, always – that I can guarantee.

Minding my own business

I have no idea why, but living life the honest way is so freaking hard. A real challenge, you know, and that is annoying. Well, at least it is to me because I’m constantly feeling like the weirdo who’s living inside this fantasy world which is funny because it looks like I’m the only one trying to be honest about my life. So why do I have to feel so bad about it? Why being honest has to be so challenging? Isn’t it supposed to be the rule? Why does it have to be the exception? Why honesty has to be so insulting?

Last week, I had to sit down and listen to all kinds of crap just because I want to live my life in a way that matters to me. I guess.. It’s my life, shouldn’t it be my choices? And the worst part was that I had to listen to those things from someone I’m sure is unhappy. She lives her life the way she chooses and it’s fine by me, but the same way she’s not on board with my choices, I’m not on board with hers. The difference is that I’m quiet about it because it is not my fucking business – it’s her life – and I believe she has to be the one making her own rules. However it doesn’t mean it’s easy for me either. I try to be here for her every time she needs and that’s all I can do because for me that’s being supportive. The same way I’m sure she’s unhappy, I’m also sure she knows it so shove my truth on her face will only help my conscience and again it’s not about me – even if it doesn’t go both ways.

I guess that’s how I feel. Once again I feel I have to be comprehensive and supportive with the ones I love even though no one does it me and it hurts so much – it’s unfair to me, isn’t it? And yet I try not to bother anyone with it because telling someone would only help myself, not others and they have their own shit to deal with. And again I feel like an idiot for thinking about everyone else’s feelings instead of just my own. Maybe that’s how I got here in the first place. Maybe that’s what “minding my own business” is all about. Maybe I should make people respect my choices instead of trying to make them feel happy for me. Maybe I should just make them shut up about it because it doesn’t matter what I do, no one will ever feel happy for me unless I follow their own notion of happiness which is completely different from mine. For my family, money is happiness and they live by it. It’s their lives. It’s only fair they’re the ones making the calls. But once again, what about me?

In the end, it always comes back to this. Why do they think they’re being supportive if they keep questioning all my decisions?

I’ve never though this way but is it possible that the whole problem is the different meaning of things? Like a dictionary problem maybe? Well, happiness means something else entirely for us so why not support? Maybe it their minds that’s what being supportive means. Maybe it’s all about money. They believe they’re being supportive because they’re paying for it. So if they stop giving me money they should stop being so judgemental, right? – or at least be quiet about it, that would be even better.

But then.. Okay, it justifies my parents behavior, how about my siblings? What are their excuses? They’re not really paying for my choices, are they? Is love an excuse for being so mean? I try so hard to understand that it’s all in the name of love, but once again, how is this fair to me? Why should I keep understanding them when no one is trying to understand me? Why is it my job to be so protective of their feelings when it’s clearly an one way street? I’m the youngest, come on! Just because they’re older does it mean they should be excused for the shitty behavior? Because they love me? And who’s taking care of my feelings?

I know it would be a shitty move but sometimes I just want to say all the things I’m always keeping to myself. Just say it all, you know? Regardless of the destruction the words might cause. Just say it all. And then I will justify myself saying it’s all for love. It’s because I love them so much that I can’t let them live their lives without showing them how miserable I believe they are. It’s all because I care too much. I wonder if I would be excused for that..

Actually, you know what? They already think so little of me that maybe I should just do it and see how it goes. Let them be the only ones taking care of their own feelings for a change. I’m the youngest, for god sake. I can be irresponsible and selfish. Isn’t it what being a child means? So why not be a freaking child for a change? They already think I am so what would I have to lose? Their respect? I already don’t have it. They already think of me as this child who lives in a magical world. A Bobby’s world, that’s exactly the words she used so, yeah, I think I’m gonna be a dick for now.. Let them be responsible for their own feelings. And I’ll start now. I’ll be my own person. I’ll take care of me. I’m all alone so I need to pursuit my dreams and live my life the way I want to even it kills me. And the first thing I’ll do is start to defend myself. Getting some distance from the ones who put me down. And if they come to me, they’ll get what they deserve because now I’m gonna mind my own fucking business and they sure as hell will start minding theirs.

It’s like that popular saying: if you say what you want, you should be prepared to hear what you don’t.